Why New Year’s Resolutions are setting you up for failure

I will lose weight. I will start going to the gym. I will spend less time on social media.  I will go back to school. I will get a new job.  I will learn a new skill.  I will practice mindfulness every day.  

There are so many resolutions that are set every New Year’s Eve and by the end of the first week or two of January, most have failed to see them through.  

This is because we do it all wrong.  This doesn’t mean we should give up on this great practice of thinking about what we want for the New Year. We just need to look at them in a different way.  

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to be eating yet another huge meal New Year’s Day with family as the festive season winds down.  I’m off work for a few more days and know I won’t start a new exercise regime or any other new habits for that matter. Even if I managed to start something this week, I’ll have to figure out how to do it again next week when I’m back at work and when the kids are back in school.

So how can we set New Year’s Resolutions that we will stick with and will make us feel successful in mid January, through February and into the rest of the year.

Let’s start by looking back to the origins of the word. 14^th century French, resolution had to do with breaking things into parts.  Latin resolutionem suggests the idea of reducing things to a simpler form.  I think the evolution of New Year’s Resolutions to a list of things we will start on January 1^st greatly decreases the chances of success because we expect to start them all immediately, when what we should be doing is setting those resolutions as the final step, the end goal.

This year I may resolve to be healthier.  To increase my chance of success, the next step should be to break that down into simple steps.  Week one might be simply to drink more water, maybe two extra glasses a day.  Week two, as routine re-emerges with everyone back to school and work, I can add a short ten-minute walk or perhaps just taking the stairs at work two days a week. That’s it.  Keep it simple and achievable.  Let those two routines settle in for a few weeks then add another step.  If we add one small thing every three to four weeks, by the New Year’s Eve next year, we will have added 12-17 new actions that help us towards our resolution, and we will feel far more accomplished. 

Some resolutions may take less time to fully implement.  Cutting back on social media could mean just tracking when and how much time is spent on various apps for a couple weeks. Then perhaps the next step is to just cut out social media in the morning or in the hour before bed for a month.  Perhaps simply cutting out a specific time of day was enough to keep social media in check and our resolution is achieved before March. 

We also don’t have to start all our resolutions in January.  Pick one for January.  Schedule another for February.  Have a resolution that coincides with spring.  The key is to have a plan. Write it down. Put it in your calendar.  Set reminders.  

So tonight, as you write down your New Year’s Resolutions, start thinking of them as an end goal and start breaking them down into small steps that you can begin throughout the year.  Then every week, every month, and every quarter you can review your progress towards your goal. 

Moring workouts, maybe not

As I mentioned yesterday, I am getting back on the workout train along with millions of others this January, but I made one major change.  Most of the things you read or listen to say that you should always workout first thing in the morning.  The idea is that as the day progresses, other things will get in the way and you won't do your workout.  I do believe this is true for many people, but I want to offer an alternative perspective.
I  have been trying for quite some time to workout in the morning, but I dread dragging my butt out of bed to go and workout.  I realized that the thought of working out had become this awful thing, even though there have been times in my life when I loved working out, or at least didn't hate it.  I was berating myself for being lazy and not doing what I need to for improved health. 
Then I remembered that when I was teenager, I always worked out in the evening.  So this week I started working out about an hour after dinner and have been doing it.  The really interesting part is that during the day I actually look forward to working out instead of dreading it.
So while many of the experts recommend mornings, and I suggest trying that, if mornings don't work for you, try other times of the day.  In the end, you need to do what will work for you.  My energy is far higher in the evenings so this night owl will be sweating under the stars! 

The exercise binge

I was messaging with a trainer who is helping me get back on the exercise train.  Yup, like millions, the New Year is bringing with it exercise.  The interesting part is that it was not a New Years Resolution.  I have been planning for the last 2 months to improve my health and been doing small things and then this trainer, Michelle, had an offer that seems like it would work with my lifestyle and obligations.
I told Michelle that I tend to binge.  I will do something for awhile and then fall off the wagon.  I also said that I think I binge because I like the variety of doing one thing for awhile, but then get bored and want to do something else. She talked about shifting from the binge to making a lifestyle choice and of course she is right. 
Now, as I thought about how I binge, I was feeling a little bad that I don't commit, but then it came to me that maybe I was looking at it the wrong way.  Maybe I do really like variety.  Maybe I need to stop calling it a binge and change my language. 
I realized that what I do is try different activities and enjoy them until I am ready to move onto something new.  I keep recommitting to physical health.  I don't fail at physical health when I stop jogging as winter approaches.  I stop because I don't like the cold and then I do something else.
The truth is that I am SO committed to my health that I keep trying and never give up.  I am SO committed that even though I ate extra desserts over the holidays, I am not giving up on healthy food, and I am recommitting to healthy eating. 
This little shift in language changed my perspective on past activities.  They were not failures because I didn't keep going to the gym or jogging or eating cleaner food.  They are evidence of my ongoing ability to recommit.  

How can I improve what I am doing?  I know that when I get bored with an activity, I stop and it takes awhile to find my next thing I want to do.  To improve and decrease the time in between, I need to plan ahead for the eventual boredom or change in weather or whatever.  I need to have my next activity ready in the wings.  That next activity might actually be the motivation to finish what I am doing now so I can get started on the new thing.  It gives me something to look forward to.
So from now until the end of February I am doing a new workout program with Michelle called Transformation 20.  I know it's going to kick my butt, but I also know I am looking forward to it.  I am also going to start looking at what I will do after, so I am ready for the next steps in my commitment to my health.

Bold Action

I have not blogged much in recent years, but am making a commitment to writing more this year and as a result, hope some of that writing is here on my blog.
Part of my renewal and revival of good practises that support my joy include planning my days with more intention. To that end, I recently purchased Brendon Burchard's High Performance Planner.  Caveat: This planner is a book that covers just 2 months, but so far I think it will be worth it.
Everyday you start with Morning Mindset that includes answering a series of questions.  I like how it focuses me, although this first week has been a challenge since I've been on holidays.  I look forward to seeing how it is now that I am back into my work routine.
One question keeps stumping me.  "One bold action I could take today is..."
I have yet to fill this in.  It seems so big and how can I do something bold every day.  Of course as I reread the phrase, I see it is something I "could" do today.  Ok, so maybe I can be a little adventurous and courageous, because I don't actually have to do this thing, but it is something I could do.
It was still scary to think of those bold things I could be doing but am too afraid to do.  It came to mean that one thing I could do and am doing, is write and post the writing.
It didn't have to be something big, but for me this feels a little bold and so here I am posting this blog today. I will not linger over the perfect or more likely imperfect grammar and spelling.  I'll do my best in the time I have and allow it to be seen with all its imperfections.
Today my bold action isn't just about writing, but more about not worrying about what people will think, not caring what people might say, and not caring about a typo, or spelling mistake.  My bold action is just to start somewhere.

Have a great day and take care.  You deserve it!

Self Love on Valentine's Day

It is Valentine’s Day and while many are celebrating with their loved ones, some are either alone or in a relationship that is not loving.  The song “I Want to Know What Love Is” from Foreigner was likely meant about a budding relationship between two people, with all the fears of being hurt again, but still wanting to know love again.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raNGeq3_DtM

One could however, look at the lyrics and say them, (or sing them, if that’s your thing) to oneself, maybe even standing in front of the mirror.  “I want to know what love is.  I want you to show me…. In this life there’s been heartache and pain. I don’t know if I can face it again. I can’t stop now. I’ve travelled so far. To change this lonely life” (Written and Composed by Mick Jones, Performed and released by Foreigner, 1984).  

We often forget to love the most important person, ourselves.    We may hold onto guilt for things we have not done, or experience self hate or self loathing for missed opportunities, or actions not taken.  Sometimes, we are the ones who impose the most heartache and pain on ourselves and only we can forgive ourselves. We might sort of give up and decide that this is as good as life is going to get.  We may not want to face the pain of revisiting that which robs us of love, but it is only through revisiting and understanding that we can move towards forgiveness.  The journey may not be short or easy, but you can come through the other side with more self understanding and maybe, just maybe, love for yourself again.

That’s all great, but how?  Katie Byron wrote the book “Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life” (2002) that explores acceptance and loving what is.  The four questions she asks are:

1. Is it True?
2. Can I absolutely know that it is true?
3. How do I react when I think that thought?
4. Who would I be without the thought?

These are very powerful questions that ask you to look at your beliefs and thoughts that are leading to your inability to truly and fully love oneself.  The process follows paths seen in psychology such as cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT).  CBT rests on some very simple fundamentals: thoughts create feelings, feelings create behaviour and behaviour reinforces thoughts.  Katie Byron’s book starts the process of questioning your thoughts and feelings asking if those thoughts are really true and how do you react to them.  The last question, who would I be without them, gets you to look at behaviour.  What would your life look like, and what would you be doing differently if you did not have and believe that thought?

1.  Take a moment to think about something that might be holding you back from fully loving yourself or accepting yourself, just as you are.  Write it down.
2. Ask yourself, is it true and can I absolutely know that it is true. Write down your answers. 
3. Close your eyes and think about the thought.  What are you feeling, emotionally and physically? Again, write down the answers.  The act of writing it down uses a different part of your brain and makes you think about it in a new way.
4. Now imagine what it would be like if you didn’t have that thought?  Who would you be?  What would you do different? 
5. Write down the things you would do differently and pick one thing to do right now.  Put into action one small thing right now.  Break down the action into it’s parts so that there is something you can act on immediately, even if it is just to send an email or make a call. 
6. Start to be the person without the thought you had.  One step at a time.  It may feel forced at first, but over time, it will be easier and more natural. 

This Valentine’s Day, take time to show yourself some love.  You are a good person.  You are deserving of love.  You are a unique and special person, worthy of living a great life.

Reframing New Year's Resolutions and New Beginnings

Reframing New Year’s Resolutions and New beginnings

With the New Year, we often make resolutions.  It’s not a surprise to know that most people don’t follow through for more than a week or two, if they take any action at all.  I don’t know about you, but I have sat with my glass of champagne thinking “Oh yeah, I should make a New Year’s resolution”.  The usual suspects come to mind, such as getting more exercise, eating healthier, setting up a better savings plan, being more patient with ____, getting to work on time...

But why are New Year’s resolutions so, well let’s say it, useless!  They are just a passing thought.  They don’t have planning behind them or a real action plan.  They don’t strategize for the ups and downs that you will inevitably face.  But don’t despair.  We can take those New Year’s resolutions and make them useful.

1.       Write it down.  Statistically, you are far more likely to succeed if you write down your goal.  

2.       SMART Goals  Turn that resolution or vague goal into a SMART goal.  Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and with a Timeline. I know, you’ve heard about the pros and cons of SMART goals, but bear with me for a minute.  SMART goals are said to sometimes squash the bigger, harder to achieve goals, but I think that is a cop out.  You can have a BHAG -Big Hairy Audacious Goal- too.  For me, SMART goals are the smaller steps that get you to the BHAGs.  Your BHAG might be to own a Caribbean Island.  Right now, is that attainable? Probably not.  But someday, maybe.  So, let’s look at the smaller goals that will make it at least possible.  Maybe we need to look at some financial goals and some health goals, so you can enjoy the island once you have it. (This last month I wrote about SMART goals for different areas of your life.  You can go to my Advent Calendar and look at December 9 for Financial goals, December 10 for Health goals, December 16 for Career/Business, Dec 17 for Relationship Goals, December 23 for personal & recreational goals, December 24 for Contribution Goals and December 30^th for BHAGs.)

3.       Brainstorm  Now you have a SMART goal (or several), let’s brainstorm action steps.  Write the goal in the middle of a piece of paper. Or cut out a picture that represents it.  You can copy a picture from the internet.  Now start thinking of the little things that you need to do to achieve that goal. Draw lines out from the centre with circles for all the things that form part of this goal.  From each of those parts you can draw more circles and break down the parts and steps to achieving the goal. (See AdventCalendar December 29^th for more on brainstorming)

4.       Create a strategy document  Ok, this might be overkill for some goals, but others may involve many steps that need to be done in a particular order.  If it is a complex goal with lots of steps, you can use a project management software, or a spreadsheet or maybe just get a white board and draw out the flow of what needs to happen

5.       Dates!  Give action steps a date to be done.  Take your timeline and start adding the actions into your calendar.  Don’t make the mistake of putting too many things in one day.  I’m guilty of getting really excited in the planning stages and wanting to do everything now.  Then when the day is done, and you haven’t done all your actions for the day, you are disappointed and may drop the project and goal all together.  Be very realistic.  Add them to your calendar.  If there are tools you need, things to buy or pick up to take that action, be sure to schedule that in the days before.

6.       Daily list of 3-5  Before bed, look at the next days schedule.  Write a list of 3-5 things you must do the next day.  This will include the action you scheduled to help you with your goal. There may be other things that are important related to your family or work.  This list is the 3 to 5 things that you must do no matter what.  Cooking dinner is not on the list.  You probably should cook dinner, but you could order out if time is short and you don’t have the things on your list done.  That is, unless cooking at home is an aspect of your goal to be healthier or to spend more time with family to improve your relationships.  Then by all means put cook dinner on the list. Make this list your priority and make it things that move you towards your goal.

7.       Daily review  At the end of the day look at what you didn’t get done.  Again, we are being realistic, and we are human. We get sick or we have an off day. You could get down on yourself, but that doesn’t help.  Look at the list and reschedule those things you didn’t do today.

8.       Weekly review  At the end of the week, look at your lists of 3-5 things each day you were supposed to do.  If there are several things you didn’t do, look at why?  Is there something you are avoiding?  Are you being unrealistic and need to schedule less in a day? Is there a pattern that you can see?  Are things scheduled for a particular time of day being missed?  Maybe you need to re-think when you do them. Did you get everything done?  If yes, celebrate!  Did you get more done than you would have without the lists and scheduling? If yes, celebrate!  The goal is not to perfectly schedule everything, but rather to help you do more to reach your goals.

9.       Monthly review  Now we get down to the big patterns.  Is there a day of the week where you consistently don’t get things done?  Look at that day and decide maybe not to schedule things for that day.  I don’t schedule anything for Friday evenings because I know that me and my family are usually tired and just like to wind down after a busy week.  If we do have lots of energy-Bonus!  We do something fun and spontaneous!  This is also the time to go back to and review your brainstorming or strategy document and tweak anything that may need to be changed based on the last month’s experience.  Don’t give up. Go back, review, plan and keep taking action.  

10.   Schedule it  Add dates for new actions that come up.  Sometimes you know the steps to a goal, but not exactly how long certain things will take, so your dates for secondary actions may have just been a month. Now you look at month 2 items and schedule them in on a specific date.

New Year’s is a new beginning for many people. It is like rebooting or restarting your computer.  You start with a fresh screen.  Just remember like a computer with a virus causing problems, rebooting your own life on New Year’s Eve won’t get rid of the underlying issues.  You need to look a little deeper and evaluate what works and what doesn’t work, then make goals and follow through with the above steps to make real change.  

Send me a note with your goals at Stacey@Richconnections.ca.  I would love to hear your goals!  If you need help with this process, let me help.