Grief occurs not only when a loved one dies

We’ve all heard about the stages of grieving when we lose a loved one:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.  What I don’t think we realize is that these same emotions can take us through other types of loss.  It may be the loss of a loved one, but it can also occur during a divorce as we grieve the loss of our spouse or the life we had.  If you are dealing with a family member with an addiction, you are, in a sense, losing that person, not to death but to the addiction.  Loss of a job can represent the loss of our friends, or the identity that the job brought to us, not to mention our self confidence.  Even seemingly small things like missing out on an important opportunity can take us through some stages of grief although they will generally be shorter in duration and intensity.  Knowing that these stages can apply in many areas of our lives and being aware of our feelings can help us work through them and see that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.  

It is natural and healthy to experience these feelings, but you can decide how long you spend in each stage.  Some people need to take their time, but some people get stuck and never get to the final stage of acceptance.  This is where we see people who years after a death, still live in sadness or depression.  This is where people avoid relationships after a divorce as they can’t move on.  They may be angry at their spouse or depressed and have lost all self confidence.  They may still be bargaining with themselves, hoping that their spouse will come back.    

Remember, you are in control.  No one can tell you how long to grieve.  

Every minute you spend focussed on the past is a minute you are losing today.  Spend some time to evaluate and feel the pain, but then refocus on the future and where this event is taking you.  

Start small.   Set small goals every day.  It may be as simple as getting out of bed or going to work and not crying.  As you progress, celebrate the successes and learn from the setbacks.  

With each goal achieved set a new bigger goal and work progressively bigger until you are setting life goals.  Often it is in those moments of despair, that we cannot see our lives any other way.  This is when you need to make those small goals that will eventually lead to the bigger goals that will form your new life without your loved one, divorced or with a new identity.  

No one can control your feelings.  You and only you decide how you react to situations.  Some people let the sorrow envelope them while others use the experience to grow and become stronger.  Which will you do? 

Celebrating success

How do you celebrate your success?  It is vitally important to stop and give yourself a pat on the back when you’ve succeeded, no matter how big or how small.  So much of the time, people will criticize others or themselves for any and every little mistake, but ignore their accomplishments.

Take a few minutes every day and write down all the little successes.  It could be as simple as staying on your diet, remaining calm with your kids when you would otherwise have blown up, or maybe even only eating half a piece of cake at the office birthday party, instead of the whole piece.

 

When you receive emails that contain words of praise, put them in a special folder or print them and add them to your success diary.  Then when you are having an off day you can always review it and regain a little perspective.

At one point I was looking for references and asked a couple people that I had worked with a few years earlier if they’d mind writing up a little something for me.  Well, I should have done this before, because the words they wrote touched me.  I knew I had done a good job, but hadn’t realized just how much they appreciated my hard work.  I keep those words in a few places and read them often and always get a boost.

Enjoy your successes and keep those in your memory and in your heart.  

Enjoy the day and congratulations on all your successes today!

The big plateau

Sometimes we find ourselves working towards a goal and feel stuck.  Things go along well for quite awhile and then all of sudden it feels like you aren’t making any progress.  We often see the same thing when people are dieting and exercising.  They start dropping pounds and progressing nicely towards their goal then all of a sudden they hit the plateau and can’t seem to break through.

In these situations, what you have to realize is that during the apparent plateau you may feel like you aren’t making progress, but there is usually something going on behind the scenes.  When you’re dieting and exercising, you may not be losing weight, but you are likely gaining muscle and improving your endurance and if you stick with it, you’ll find that soon enough you’ll start losing again.  

With other goals, the plateau can make you feel like nothing is working and that you’ll never achieve success.  Often these times are when you are developing your inner self.  You are becoming more aware of your situation, your reactions and your thinking.  You are letting go of old beliefs and finding room for new ones.  You may not be seeing the obvious exterior results such as increased income, more clients or completed tasks, but your subconscious is helping you prepare for that next step.  

The next time you hit a plateau, stop looking outside for the results and start looking within to see if there are areas that you can work on and improve that will prepare you for the next big success.

Good luck and enjoy the quiet plateaus.

How to reach a big goal on a short timeline

Have you got a goal that is going to be a stretch to achieve?  You’ve written it down and set a due date, but now you’re not sure how to get from here to there.  This can be particularly troubling if you’re on a tight timeline.  

First, look at the resources you have.  This may be your own skills or money to hire people to perform tasks you are not skilled at doing.  Don’t think just about the skills you use in your job or profession; think about your hobbies, past and present and add those to the list.  You may find that they will spur some ideas.   

  

Second look at your network.  Make a list of at least 100 people you know that may have knowledge or connections to someone who can help you.  Gather their contact information because even if you don’t use them right now, you may need them when you’re in a pinch at some point on this journey.  Get help wherever possible from people in your network.  Often they are only to happy to help and likely, you'll be able to return the favour.

Third, be open to ideas that are a little outside your comfort zone.  Taking the easy route might work, but it may take longer than you have, so try out different things.  Remember, if this is a short timeline, you only have to do something for a short while.  If you don’t like it, then once the goal is reached, you can look at other alternatives.  

Fourth, have a strong motivator to keep you going.  When you have a tight timeline, you may feel a bit overwhelmed and want to give up, thinking it is impossible.  If you have a strong enough motivator to achieve the goal then you are more likely to get it done.  For example you may need money by a certain date or the bank will foreclose on your house.  Or maybe you need to accomplish something for a certain event and if you don’t the event will have passed and the goal lost.  Spend 15 minutes writing down why you have to accomplish the goal and why not accomplishing it, is not an option.

Fifth, take action.  You’ve heard this before and will hear it again, but all the hoping, dreaming and planning in the world won’t get you what you want.  You have the resources laid out and the motivation, now just get out there and do it.  Start immediately.  As soon as you set a goal you must take immediate action, to put things in motion.  This is the only way you will get from your present status to that desired goal.

If you need help with a goal, contact me and I’d be happy to help you on your path.  No matter how big or small your goal, the first step is always the hardest.  Just take that step, now!

Trying too hard?

Sometimes we try too hard and it's not until we sit back and reflect that we see the forest for the trees.  When we try too hard we can drown out our subconscious mind and all it is telling us. 

When you have a problem that you need to solve, but can’t see any way forward, stop.  Yes, just stop.  Focus on something else, go for a walk or start another small project.  Once you take your mind off the problem, your subconscious will go to work and suddenly, out of the blue an idea will emerge.  When you are immersed in a problem you are often too frustrated and can’t relax.  It is in this state of relaxation that you will likely solve the problem.

This makes me think of when I was learning to drive standard.  I stalled the car and was in the middle of lots of traffic.  The more I tried to start the car, the more frustrated I became and the less likely I was going to be able to get it started.  A young man in the car behind me even got out of his car and came to offer help, thinking I was having engine problems.  I didn’t feel silly at all.  LOL!  Then I remembered my driving instructor’s wise words.  He said to ignore the traffic and take a deep breath and relax, then on the next try the car started.  

When you have a problem, find a way to relax and step back.  You already know the next step to solving the problem, you just have to relax and give your mind a chance to communicate it to you.

Have a great night and relax a little, ok!